It was December 2009, one week before Christmas. I had been so excited to go to the doctor to do what every new and expecting parent gets to do, have an ultrasound.
I had decided to take my mom and dad because my dad had never gotten to go to an ultrasound before. We were so excited as we quickly jammed into the extra small room that happened to be the only one left at the clinic.
As the tech apologized for the really small room but we were so excited to see the sweet little faces, feet, and hands of that new little person that we didn’t care if we had to squeeze into a closet.
Of course, all eyes are on the screen except mine. Mine were on this amazing group of people that had come to celebrate this day: my husband, my little boy, my mom and dad, and the tech (I’m sure she was excited). We waited eagerly to hear those first sounds that all moms and dads long to hear.
That precious heartbeat. The sound is a symphony to a mom’s ears. When you hear that sound, oh, how your heart melts.
Feeling and hearing the signs of life, your heart grows a little bigger to have a special place for that little one.
Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. Genesis 2:7 (NIV)
This particular day was different. As I looked at the screen, I noticed two little bodies lying feet to feet. Cradled in the lower part of the womb God created for them.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Two? Really? Mine?
As my excitement grew for two littles. I looked at the others in the room and they looked as surprised and confused as I did.
The looks and the excitement quickly faded as I looked into the tear-filled eyes of the tech.
That precious sound we so desperately waited for was not there. No heart beats. No movement.
The moment everything changes. The moment your dreams of holding and loving the precious little darlings you knew from deep within for the first time is quickly snapped away. Your spirit is crushed like nothing you ever knew. I insisted that the tech was wrong. We had just heard at least one at the last appointment. I asked her to get the Doppler. Maybe. Just Maybe. That would work, after all, it picked up a heartbeat the last time.
The doctor came in and verified they were not viable. Their hearts break with mine as they recommended I take some time to think about this.
I didn’t understand. How was it, I was in my twenty-first week of pregnancy and they missed something? Like a whole other baby or the fact that there was something wrong.
Now, they wanted me to go home and think about this for a few days.
The feelings are none that I can explain. The loss of two little darlings at the same time. Unexplainable.
Because I was as far along as I was, it was considered a pregnancy loss. Meaning, I had to make some decisions about what would happen to the babies.
So I had to wait. I was left with few answers and an unexplained loss.
If you have gone through this or a miscarriage (I also had a miscarriage right after this pregnancy loss), I know the pain is so great. I want to say to you, I am so sorry. I don’t know if there is any greater heartbreak than losing a child.
I didn’t mean to fly through this story but my story doesn’t end there. I will share more of it next week.
Before you go, know that there is hope and I hope I will be able to encourage you through this experience.
My rest and my hope came from Jesus and I want to encourage you to lean into Him. Next week, I will talk to you more about how I did just that.
If you are at a place where you need some hope to move you to a new place, I hope you will come back. I know our stories are not the same and no one has the same exact story or feelings but I want to encourage you more.
Quick Fact: October 1988, President Ronald proclaimed October as National Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage Awareness Month.
I want to use this opportunity to be able to encourage you with my story.
The comfort I received from Christ was not to be kept to myself but to encourage others.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Corinthians 1:4
Whatever your situation, please do not feel like you have to face this alone. Please seek out someone that has been in your place or seek online help resources. Also, if you ever need to contact me for encouragement or a conversation you can contact me at jaime@jaimewiebel.com
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This week’s featured friend is Jill Holler from changedbyhisgrace.com
Jill is a good friend of mine. I love to have opportunities to have conversations with her because they always lead to real conversations about Jesus. I am excited to feature Jill here this because she just had her devotional book release. You can find Jill’s guest post on this recent blog post where you can comment for a chance to win a copy of her book here.
While you’re here, sit down with some of my friends.
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Wow, Jaime. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that. I can't even imagine. May your hope in the Lord be a light for anyone else going through the same thing.
Thank you so much, Shelly. I do appreciate your thoughtfulness. I pray that this story will help others find the Peace in Christ as I did. Glad you are here today, friend!
I'm reading in II Corinthians right now and those verses about comfort have been singing their way through my heart as well. Thanks for bringing them to bear on your own story.
Don't you just love how God sings to your heart just the right notes. Thanks for stopping by and sharing with us here every week, Michele.
Jaime- So sorry for your loss! I know it's been some time, but the pain doesn't go away. 2 Corinthians 1:4 is such a comfort. Who better to comfort someone else than someone who has walked the road before!
Julie
The pain doesn't ever quite go away, Julie but it is very possible for the sting to be replaced with the Peace of Jesus and what we are able to be left with is rejoicing in His Great Name. Glad you are here every week, sweet friend!
I can't imagine how hard that must've been, Jaime, especially in that moment with all of your family there for an exciting first glimpse. It sounds as if you've gained comfort and perspective from this tragedy, though. And I'm looking forward to hearing more about it all. But what a painful chapter to share with us. You are so brave to go there and I pray it helps many.
Thanks so much, Beth. You are right. The real journey began with Jesus and the Peace that He gave me to get through one of the toughest things I have had to face. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your heart.
Recently I saw a meme with this quote attached. "We have a word for loss of parent–orphan. We have a word for loss of spouse–widow or widower. But we don't have a word for pregnancy loss." Thank-you for sharing your loss and the depth of sorrow goes with it. The good news is that we can cry out to God in prayer. (I lost a son who was 8 years old.) God sees our pain and helps us.
Carol,I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the pain. My heart breaks for you. You are so right though. We can cry out to God and He hears us and hears our pain and loves us through it all. Blessings to you and thank you for visiting us today and for sharing your heart.
Hi Jaime,
Thanks for sharing such a personal story and sorry you had that experience. We both used similar words (lean in) in our posts this week. Leaning into Jesus is what got me through my last battle.
Yvonne, I am glad we are thinking in the same terms. It is easy to pull back. To feel like God is far away and out of our reach but it requires us to move in. James 4:8 says Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. This idea of leaning into Christ, to me is comforting. I know my Father is near.
Miscarriage was the worst thing I have ever been through. Only with the help of the Lord did I make it out of the grief that followed. Thank you for being so open and honest with your journey, and letting others know that there is hope no matter the situation.
Mindy, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad you had Jesus to turn to in your life to be of comfort through your time of grief. What a blessing and comfort you could be to others facing this same thing in your life. Have a blessed week and thank you so much for sharing with us here.
What a heart wrenching loss you went through. My oldest daughter went through 10 years of infertility and three miscarriages which was so hard for all of us. Then God gave her two miracle babies. Thank you for reminding us of this month and its meaning.
I don't know the pain of infertility but my heart goes our to the woman who truly want to be mom but just are not able to. We think sometimes it should be easy and when it is not we also feel inadequate. There are so many other feelings of heartache that go along with that and then when it doesn't happen your heart is crushed. We are so glad to hear that your daughter had to miracle babies and you are a grandma to those precious ones, how exciting. Thanks so much for sharing with us every week, Elizabeth. I am glad you are here.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Blessings to you.
Thank you Patrick, I do appreciate your thoughtfulness. Thanks you so much for sharing with us here every week.
Thank you, Jaime, for sharing such a painful time of your life. I know it will help many other women who feel shattered by such a loss. We never truly forget what could have been. (I'm remembering 'Little One').
I will be here next week to hear of the hope and joy that God's Spirit gives to those who mourn.
Love to you, my friend.
I do hope this story encourages others. You are right Gleniece,it is hard to not think, well they would have been in this grade or do this milestone. They are safe in the arms of the Father where they are flourishing more that what they ever could have. I love Him for that.
Oh my goodness, what a terrifying loss for you. I've never lost a child, but I can only imagine the heartbreak. But thank God you had your parents with you, and you didn't just go alone, thinking it would be routine. Thank you for sharing your heart here, Jaime. Your story blessed me, as odd as that may sound. And thanks for hosting. I'm not blogging regularly these days–trying to work a FT job, write a book, and edit another.
Mary, I did have great support surrounding me and I hope this story will encourage someone such as yourself and although you never had this experience you can see how important it is to just have someone who is present and can be that shoulder to cry on. Thanks so much for your heart and I am glad that we see you in between all you busy times.
Jaime, I've been preoccupied with Matthew but I want to thank you for the linkup and your faithfulness. Please pray for the storm.
Jaime, I can't imagine, but I'm sure the loss is as real today as it was when it happened. Thank you for bravely sharing your story so that others may be encouraged and inspired, and so that God may be glorified. May He continue to comfort and renew you. Blessings.
Jaime, I am so sorry for your lost. I remember having my first ultrasound after I became pregnant in 2004. The baby was not there, just a few cells. It was so heartbreaking too. The baby failed to develop. I share with you your pain. I was only six weeks pregnant at the time.
Oh, Jaime, I cannot imagine your pain. I experienced a miscarriage very early in a pregnancy and that was so difficult. I just cannot even imagine the pain you felt in those moments. Thank you for sharing your story and pointing to the hope you find in Jesus! Blessings and smiles, my friend! Lori
Wow. I can't imagine discovering that you have twins simultaneously with the fact that there is no heartbeat. What an awful time that must have been.
I had a miscarriage of one at 16 weeks; that was bad enough.
Thanks for sharing your story so that others can experience healing from their heartbreak. May God continue to bless you.