Shame Can No Longer Bury Me: Today I Am Living Free

For years I told myself as long as I accepted Christ, I was free to do whatever I wanted. I had gotten my ticket into Heaven and I was free.

But as I came into my twenties and early thirties, my Shame began to bury me deep underneath the lies I had told myself.

The bigger problem was I had enough Bible knowledge to lie to myself and everyone around me, but not enough to truly live free in Christ.

For years I had been “Following Jesus”. What does that even mean? Many people today claim to be Christians but they don’t really follow Jesus. I
know what that looks and feels like; I was one of those people for many many years.

Recently, I heard someone on the radio say, “If all of the evidence of your life was gathered, would there be enough evidence to prove you
are a Christian.”

The world will tell us to follow our hearts and follow our dreams and that is exactly what I did. What made me happy or what appeared to make me happy at the time was where I went.

If you are a follower of Christ those worldly mantras couldn’t be further from what Christ calls us to do as Christians. They are lies and ones that look pretty on wall hangings and T-shirts but can leave us feeling ugly.

but if we are followers of Christ that is sometimes very far from the truth of
Living for Christ. Let me explain by sharing a bit of my
life with you.

If you read my blog post titled “The
No-Plan Plan, Part 1 and The
God Plan, Part 2” you can see my salvation story.  I accepted Christ when I was twelve years old. I was soon baptized and later became a member of our church.  Shortly after that, I came into my teenage years.  Many of you that are grown know the rebellion and the heart ache that comes along with being a teenager. I was no different and spent a lot of my life following my own heart

These two verses could summarize a lot of my
life, denying my Lord and being afraid He would look me eye while doing it.

I began doing many things that I am not proud of. I was
hanging out with a crowd of really great people but when I was with them I
often did things that deep down inside felt wrong.  The reality is that I never felt peer
pressured to do those things because they were things that I did out of my own
sinful nature and my own personal desires. It was even to the point that I was sometimes
putting myself in real danger.

I went through my high school and college years continuing
to live on my own path. After five years of college and a double major in Early
Childhood and Elementary Education I was sure that I would have no trouble
finding a job.

I spent one year as a substitute teacher in my hometown. With no prospects
for employment I decided to move to a bigger city and seek employment there.
After several really promising interviews, I ended up subbing again. When
subbing wasn’t paying the bills, I had to seek full time employment completely out
of my field. Sound familiar to anyone?

All this time I was trying to figure my life out
on my own. I am a very independent person and thought that if any trouble arose;
I could figure it out no matter the situation. I did what I wanted to do with
no real strings attached or so I falsely believed.

I ended up moving 5000 miles away to a beautiful island
called Oahu. Completely clueless what life would bring me, I thought that I was
moving for a job but in reality I was moving away from my life. I thought that
I would find a perfect life if I got far away from my real life. With two
suitcases, a one way ticket, a hotel reservation, and a job, I left for the
beautiful city of Waikiki.

At first glance, everything seemed like a real paradise. The
ocean, the palm trees, 5000 miles away from reality…

The problem with always
trying to seek happiness in the things of this world is there are so many
disappointments along the way. I had made many poor choices in my move there.
Not necessarily in the move itself, but in the choice to move with someone. We were
both moving out the convenience of running away from reality and that turned into
a lot of hate between the two of us.

Here was the thing. I had lived my life up to that point
doing everything that I wanted to do. I would call myself a Christian but my
life showed nearly zero evidence of a real faith in Christ. My disastrous
decisions and being in “paradise” weren’t enough to cover up that lie that I
continued to tell myself.

You know the lie. It is the same one that we are constantly
being feed. If we follow our heart and our dreams, if we are happy, then we are
making the right choices and everything will work out for good. I don’t want to
disappoint anyone but that lie has real consequences.

This is how the devil works. He will fill your head full of lies;
he will promise you the world and even give it to you. There is just one catch.
You have to follow him and live life for yourself, which really means for him.

The
problem is he cannot promise to ease your mind or the trap you may find yourself
in. In fact, after all of the lies he will begin to cover you in the dirt you
dug out of your own pit. He will tell you how awful you are and how this is all you will
ever deserve.

For some of you who may not understand what that statement
means, let me be real frank with you. You have two choices in life. You can go
on the path that Christ has planned for you or you can go on your own path and
live for yourself.  You can be a slave to
the devil and his work. The latter was the path that I was choosing.

I was choosing my own desires and it led to so many feelings
of guilt, shame, resentment, fear, and worthlessness. In the process, I was
denying my Lord.

The thought that I lived with for years was this, if I keep
going on my path, never look over my shoulder (literally), I will never really face
the Lord and all the offenses I had and was committing against Him. I knew that
He was there watching over me which made the things I was doing feel so much worse.
I gave Him a front row seat to my own selfishness. I honestly thought to myself,
if I keep going straight ahead and never look back, I will never have to face
my sin. I was in absolute denial for a very long time.

If this sounds confusing, answer this question. Have you
ever done something, possibly pretty bad, to someone that you really love?  The last thing you may want to do is see that
person, talk to that person, or maybe even face that person. You know the
moment you see them there will be some hard feelings or possibly even a serious
consequence to what you have done. So you avoid them, at all cost.

This was me, and as I stood before my Lord it was easier not
to face Him or look Him in the eye. What I was really avoiding was not facing
all my shame and sin. My life was standing before me and it was in serious turbulence.
When I left my Hawaiian paradise, I felt inside that I was at the pit of my
life and I was ready to escape it.

I started packing my heavy baggage. In went, the guilt, shame,
resentment, fear, and worthlessness, covered in a facade of living a great
life. The only thing left to do was head for home.  Over the next several years my Lord, who would
never leave me or forsake me, began to pour out His grace and mercy. He had much
bigger plans for me.

 My great Lord had many blessings waiting for
me and He has them for you, too. If you are carrying any extra baggage, pack it
up, come back and see how we can unpack it and live for the hope of a brighter
tomorrow.